An extremely well-written overview of recent studies showing how and why the fun has gone out of parenthood:
Why is this important to the childfree by choice? Well, the next time someone says, “You’ll regret not having kid.” or, “Parenthood is such a joy, you’re missing out” you can send them a link to this article.
It is much much better to regret not having kids, than to regret for the rest of life after the fact. Too bad there is no 30-day return period. You can change everything else in life. Jobs can be changed, marriages can be ended in divorce, pets can be donated to shelters, yet you can’t dump or divorce your kids. Once you make that choice, there is absolutely no turning back.
A comment from a friend on facebook:
I know people who have raised their kids to the age of 26 & older, paid for their entire lives – drugs, vacations, college, rehab, wedding, given them jobs at the family business, cars – raise the next generation of grandchildren too. I blame it on the parents – not culture, not society. These folks get no respect from their offspring who wait for them to die, so they can inherit the house and properties. It’s pretty pathetic.
#1 by Naveen Bachwani on July 20, 2010 - 10:48 pm
Detailed writeup with lots of references to well-founded studies, no doubt. But I do not think you or the writeup are putting forth an argument that has no “other” side.
I quote from the writeup… “A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters.” The question is, why are we beginning to examine this new “choice”. Is it really because it’s better for the planet to have less resource-depleting human beings on it? Or could it be selfcenteredness on our part? Hubris? The pursuit of our own happiness/comfort/convenience, above all else?
Once again, I quote from the writeup… “Children may provide unrivaled moments of joy. But they also provide unrivaled moments of frustration, tedium, anxiety, heartbreak. This scene, which isn’t even all that awful or uncommon, makes it perfectly clear why parenting may be regarded as less fun than having dinner with friends or baking a cake. Loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.”
Re read this para in light of the questions I asked earlier. Yes, travelling across the world or catching a movie with friends can be infinitely more satisfying to us as individuals that the trials and tribulations of “parenting”, in spite of the limitless love we may have for our children as parents. So why do some of us do it? Ever asked yourself that?
I’ve said it before, and I say it again – Parenting is not for everyone, and I don’t mean to imply that being childfree is not an option. But there’s gotta be more to the reason than individual comfort and convenience, don’t you think?!
Every Life has a purpose, even though, at times, it may not be quite apparent to us. And, being a part of nature’s creation process may be the one thing that brings us all closer to Nature herself, and by extension, to God (or whatever life-force you believe in!)
Where would this blog, and you & I, be if our parents had “exercised their choice”?!
#2 by therider on July 20, 2010 - 11:05 pm
Very well written comment as usual, Naveen.
The truth is that most people have kids “automatically”, without much thought. It is not even a “decision” for them.
Studies show us the statistics whether we like them or not. The numbers help making an informed choice. I can bet that most people have kids without the slightest idea of what kind of life changes await them. It is alright if they are fully aware and still goes ahead with their decision. But in all other cases, frustration and resentments ensue, leading to negligent parenting which is very damaging to the society as a whole.
I did not ask to be born. My parents wanted to raise children, so here I am. “If they exercised the choice” – this kind of argument is very common but really holds no power. What would be the necessity of this blog or anything I have done if I was not even born ?
All these articles are not against parents who are doing a great job like you. Rather it is an attempt to request everyone to think hard on all aspects before bringing new humans to this overstressed planet.
#3 by Naveen Bachwani on July 21, 2010 - 3:19 am
#4 by AD on July 21, 2010 - 9:18 pm
The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.
From the article.
#5 by therider on July 22, 2010 - 12:27 am
@AD: True, but not everyone will be interested in those rewards for the insane sacrifices. For example, a Porsche or a Corvette would be nice to own, but I can never justify to part with that kind of money.