Very recently I had long conversations with my sister and an old college buddy on my most favorite topic – being childfree by choice. Needless to say, I had to play defense all along. I just seem to enjoy it, since I have everything to gain and nothing to lose in our choice. It just bothers me to see smart people making this life choice mostly under the pressure of our child-obsessed society and trying to convince everyone that it is the most fulfilling “duty” in the whole world. Through our conversations I could sense regrets as well, when they both agreed that they could not enjoy the “me-time” anymore.
Just when I thought I was sick of the parental myth and bullshit, this fantastic post brightened up the day:
The Myth that Must DIE
No kids for us, thanks. We both worked very hard for the life we have now. I consider myself a lucky person to have a wife who cherishes her personal freedom, enjoys hiking the outdoors, and forever ready to take up an adventure together. Given the direction the global economy is heading, there is no way we could throw this life to the trash bin in one fell swoop. We would rather devote our free time in volunteer work, community projects like habitat for humanity, and helping people in need. There is so much to do and so little time. I think it is a great recipe for a simple, modest and an overall happy existence.
#1 by Sudip on October 15, 2011 - 11:51 pm
True we all love our “me time ” and its a big step towards the most daunting step in life . Should we hold back or move ? everyone ask this question to themselves or may be not or just sccumed to the pressure . But there is a different angle to it , being a parent is a challenge may be you will not be able to fly the plane again by youself all alone or have nice party .But definitely you will have the chance to fly the R/C plane together and get a chance to see your childhood from the begining again , and this is not growing old but growing again, and believe it my friend its worth it ..
#2 by therider on October 17, 2011 - 1:37 am
I agree on what you said about most daunting step of life, the challenge and all. But just because it can be a rewarding experience for some does not qualify it being a worthwhile choice for everyone. This is where our society takes a very biased approach and countless young couples fall victim to it, blindly thinking this is the best thing ever in life. There is a cost for everything and for many people the cost in terms of time, energy, mental bandwidth, lost opportunities, and money sums up to be orders of magnitude higher than the returns.
The “me time” is just one of benefits of walking this path. There is so much to do with spare time. Remember the hard time we all went through to come to this stage of life. Never forget the zillions of exams and the four grueling years of college. And now there are so many real life challenges to think about, new ideas, problems and their solutions. Re-living the childhood does not really come up the priority list, at least for me. But I can always fly an R/C airplane with my friend’s kids, whenever I want
#3 by prasad siddanthi on November 7, 2011 - 12:27 am
” Go and multiply….” said God, perhaps with an intention of promoting Himself, so that at some point there will be a multitude who would endorse His existence.
Over the eons of ages behind the human race, as we look at the times and travails of our parents and at the times we live in and the times our kids (if you have one), I for one firmly believe that there is a good reason to feel the way Joy feels. Seven Billion this Good earth holds the burden even as we fail and stop to count the adding numbers.
Phew…I am 58 and to mention I have a working son who has a mind of his own and does not bother us, I am glad to have him where ever he is settled in life. It is his and his decision to work out what is good for him. whom am I to decide for him as most of us parents do.
To have kids or not is not a challenge in life.
#4 by amasc on November 7, 2011 - 4:34 am
Ah, struck so many chords. I used to get the “you’ll regret it when you’re older” comment a lot. I’m older, I don’t.
#5 by Amod on November 10, 2011 - 11:44 pm
Different people, different perspectives. We should taste everything in life. If you think, you had enough “me time” in your life (my guess!), its time to move ahead and taste another phase of life. It would be really awesome to see your kid growing in front of you.
#6 by Nagini on November 28, 2011 - 11:35 pm
Bringing up a baby is a most wonderful phase for parents.They really introduce us to a new world ( which we once belonged to and we can not feel it) with their enthusiasm,innocence….It can’t be explained but only to be experienced..So don’t miss that joy..:-)
#7 by Chetan Narsude on December 10, 2011 - 3:56 pm
I think you have misunderstood a lot of a whole lot of things:
“Given the direction the global economy is heading, there is no way we could throw this life to the trash bin in one fell swoop.”
Having a child is not that dramatic event at least to your finances and life out of trash bin. It does need commitment in terms of time but then you get back a lot. A child is going to be your creation and most likely the best creation you would have. If you consider yourself worthwhile in this society, you are creating someone who is like you and probably is the best of you and will drive your agenda even after you.
so if you say, you do not prefer to have a child, it’s perfectly alright. But if you say this the reason and the reason is not right…
#8 by therider on December 10, 2011 - 4:46 pm
Economy is one of the reasons, and a very strong one. For most people at this point, this life changing decision is often the difference between solvency and bankruptcy.
Your arguments are based on the assumption that if I am worthwhile, then my child will also be, and probably the best of me and will drive my agenda. I would say this is quite a dangerous gamble to take. There is zero guarantee that junior will grow up to the expectation of parents. And when they don’t, which is often the case, the disappointment is not worth the 20 years of time spent in raising them, at least to me. Finances are a small fraction of the cost of kids, it is mostly the time and energy that I am reluctant to invest. For many the return is worth, I completely agree. For me, an unburdened life is priceless. I do enjoy the company of young kids of my friends, but I also know that the 24/7/365 commitment in raising one will never work for me.
#9 by Mausumi on December 26, 2011 - 9:57 am
Joyda, it is perfectly alright to live a life of our own choice and I think we are not answerable to anyone for what we chose to do in life! Honestly, I don’t even see a point why you posted this on blog and trying to justify yourself! But I understand, you probably got sick answering “when are you guys going to have a kid?” It is something probably many living in western society don’t have to face, but things are different back home where we originally come from. yes, that happens in our society especially the society we belong to! When something or someone is not exactly the way we thought it should be, people get confused. Forgive their ignorance and do not bother
#10 by Abhijith Rao on December 26, 2011 - 11:16 pm
Joy!
I came here to check out the Flickr-Picasa move blog page, but the page I spent most time on is this. We’ve made choices similar to yours for reasons that sound eerily similar.
What you will notice is most times, the pressure and pro kid posts come from people living back in India than there. Its still to seep into the masses.
Being back here, its more of an ‘issue’.
Cheers!
#11 by therider on December 27, 2011 - 12:49 am
Mausumi, it is not a justification, though it sounds like one. If you live here, you would find that even the western society is very pronatalist, but unless you live a very social life you won’t feel it like in India where neighbors and even strangers will play moral police on you. The primary reason of voicing these realizations is to help millions of young couples on the fence about this decision to see some light. Some unbiased, rational logic. If you are not aware already, half of the births in this country are unwanted, but thanks to the difficulty getting abortion and religious/emotional reasons, those unwanted kids grow up and become the absolute screwups I see everywhere. In india also, I can bet if there was no societal brainwashing, only the most responsible people would follow this path and as a result we would see a high quality young generation, getting a lot of help from non-parents who have time to volunteer and give back to society. Now that would be an ideal society to live in, don’t you think ?
#12 by therider on December 27, 2011 - 12:55 am
Abhijith, what a pleasure to hear this from you. I pity those once-active people who get shackled against their innermost voice and forever lose their wings.
Life is one big adventure and lets use the limited time and energy we have to its full potential.
Cheers brother, ride on and ride hard.